Talk about horrible matchups in the Prem this week. Rather than giving on of our chosen matches the "Toilet Stinker Match of the Week" award this week, I'm mixing things up and giving the whole damn lot the title. That's right, this weekend's fixtures look so unappealing, I'm labeling Match Day 34 as "Toilet Stinker Match Day of the Year." I honestly don't see a single match that will be exciting. Hopefully I'm proved wrong and we see some great footy. But after the mid-week classic at Anfield on Tuesday, this weekend looks like the fat chick you notice sleeping in your bed the morning after a Jim Beam bender.
Bolton 1 Aston Villa 1
A pivotal match for Villa, as they attempt to fight off Everton for the right to represent the Prem League in the UEFA cup. Problem for Villa is they are playing like pure butt. I mean, they haven't even scored 3 pts since Feb. 7th for Christ's sake. I hope they've enjoyed their run in the top 4 & 5 of the table this season, because after this weekend, the ride is over.
Everton 2. Manchester City 0
After a thrilling PK victory against ManU, Everton is the little engine that could in the soccer world right now. And I can say short of Everton squaring off against Arsenal, nothing made the Dobber happier than watching our U.S. boy Howard thwart off ManU to earn his club a shot at a cup. Everton is riding high and they will continue to do so at home, all the way up to the 5th spot in the league table after this week's fixture with Man City.
Manchester United 3 Tottenham 0
I'm deeming this fixture the "Toilet Stinker Match of the Week" not because the two teams are terrible (okay, well one is), but because this match is so lopsided, it won't be fun to watch. ManU will be pissed from their FA Cup semifinal defeat and Tottenham, well, Tottenham just plan right blows.
Arsenal 2 Middlesbrough 0
Arsenal had two heartbreaking outcomes this past week, losing in the FA Cup semifinal to Chelsea and settling for a draw at Anfield on Tuesday. Both fixtures were winnable, and both should have been won. The problem....the ineptitude of Arsenal's back line to stop and attack when so desparately needed. Let's see, a terrible play by Fabianski that just gives Drogba the winning goal, followed up by porous play by the backline in the final minutes at Anfield to give away 2 pts. I mean, how to do you give up an equaliser in extra time when you just scored the go ahead in extra time? Luckily for Arsenal, Boro does not have the attack of Chelsea or Liverpool.
Hull City 1 Liverpool 3
Liverpool was lucky to gain a point on Tuesday, grasping a victory from the jaws of defeat. This weekend they won't have the same problem against Hull City. Torres goes off for a hat trick and Liverpool maintain pace with ManU in the chase for the title.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
BPL Predictions 04/25 - 04/27
"Howdy y'all!!!"
"Go on, git!!!"
"I done seen you yesterday."
AAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I gave a vocabulary test last week to my freshmen classes, and check this out. The words consisted of the following:
"Go on, git!!!"
"I done seen you yesterday."
AAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I gave a vocabulary test last week to my freshmen classes, and check this out. The words consisted of the following:
- comprehend
- repetition
- exempt
- vain
- commend
- maim
- toil
- final
- blunder
- mourn
- daze
- subside
Aside from one class that had a class average of 85%, I had another with a 63% average, and two others with 75% and 71%. Are you freaking kidding me? It has a matching section, a fill in the blank section, and a section on matching terms to real-life examples, etc. I actually design the test so that there will be lots and lots of perfect scores. In fact, I give bonus points to any student who earns a perfect score. I offer extra incentive for perfection. The rich keep getting richer. It doesn't matter though for they are too f****************************** stupid.
So anyways, it looks like it will be an interesting weekend in the Prem..............not.
Bolton 1 Aston Villa 1
This is sure to be an extremely unexciting match. Bolton are a side that usually play well at home, and the Villains have been shit for the past two months, so I guess you never know though. Most likely we will all be witnesses to a sluggish midfield match that fails to compare even to watching The Simpsons remain relevant. Hopefully instead we'll all be stunned and "shocked" at a whirlwind of fantastic footwork, teamwork, and shoddy goalkeeping so we can see lots of goals. My prediction? We see lots of circle jerk instead. Did I mention I'm still laughing at the divine rise and traumatic fall of Villa!!!!!! Did I also mention anyone who roots for Bolton is a total stroke wand?
Everton 3 Man City 1
Everton have been playing some very high quality soccer lately. Their draw versus United last weekend may have been somewhat of a farce considering it was the A-team against United's B-team, but... in light of that, Everton is no United either way so it was still a nice win, especially for Timmy-Ho who came up big in PKs. F***************** United. Moving on, ManCity were good for what? 2-3 weeks at the beginning of the season. Wow did the wheels ever fall off or what. They might get a goal, but it is a certainty they let in more than they score. This is still going to be a borefest.
Man United 3 Spurs 0
Who honestly thinks that Spurs can come into Old Trafford and score a point, let alone score a goal? Show me this man who believes, and I will show you a man with a tiny wang and no sense of reality... Ladies and Gentlemen... Eugene Turk!!!!! Sorry Eug, I couldn't resist the opportunity. The next low-blow goes to Dobby "Dobber" McDobbymeister-ton. The Red Devils defense lately has been maybe at its weakest since Christmas maybe, but it is still top notch. The fact that Spurs could possibly still fight for UEFA Cup (or Europa League... is that its new gay name?) does not matter because the truth of the matter is that they still suck. United could basically close out the Prem with their next two wins... maybe not mathematically, but c'mon it's over already isn't it? I hate United, but only for this reason: When they smell blood, they kill everything off. This is no different. Bye bye Spurs.
Arsenal 2 Boro 1
The Boro-ites, or whatever the hell is their nickname, always seem to be a tough match for the Gunners to overcome no matter how much more talented they may be. Southgate's teeth are certain to make an appearance at some point, and Gooners can only hope it is in the form of a painful grimace as they get their asses stomped left and right. However, it could be as he sinks those gnarled mashers into the throat of Wenger as they celebrate victory... or in Boro's case even a draw would be fantastic. All-in-all, the important thing here is that everyone felt a twinge of strangeness from the overly grotesque descriptions of Gareth's teeth.
Hull City 0 Liverpool 3
I have been reading about Hull City's managerial collapse, and all I can do is laugh. What a joke that is. Liverpool make this an easy road trip as they thoroughly dominate literally the entire match. Hull need something to keep their hopes of staying afloat at the top level, but the Reds are too tough even with dreams of still winning the Prem fading by the moment.
Adios amigos. Until next time, don't pee on the electric fence.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
The NBA... it's Faaaaaaaaannnnnntastic!
Apparently Eugene and his brothers were goofing around about the new NBA slogan of "Where Amazing Happens" and how other words or phrases are substituted for "Amazing." For example, "The NBA... Where Playoff Drama Happens" or whatever. Of course, they not only butchered the slogan on the surface, but they also drove a stake through the heart of it. Furthermore, I couldn't let this opportunity pass by without adding my two cents, so here we go...
The NBA...
where on-court mini-people/mini-bus tours happen
where good fundamentals happen
where no college education happens
where fake injuries happens
where Bill Walker happens
where people read good happens
where strip-club shootouts happen
where caring (for the size of your paycheck) happens
where choking your coach happens
where a player stars in all-time classic films as Kazaam and Steel happens
where same said player says he can't be figured out just like the Pythagorean Theorem happens
where nicknames like Birdman happens
where no conspiracies happen
where Tank Johnson would be a choirboy happens
please don't hesitate to add to this list
Oh and Eugene and Dobber... we need to get our predictions back on board this weekend!!! Let's pick some games you bloody wankers. Yep. I said wankers.
The NBA...
where on-court mini-people/mini-bus tours happen
where good fundamentals happen
where no college education happens
where fake injuries happens
where Bill Walker happens
where people read good happens
where strip-club shootouts happen
where caring (for the size of your paycheck) happens
where choking your coach happens
where a player stars in all-time classic films as Kazaam and Steel happens
where same said player says he can't be figured out just like the Pythagorean Theorem happens
where nicknames like Birdman happens
where no conspiracies happen
where Tank Johnson would be a choirboy happens
please don't hesitate to add to this list
Oh and Eugene and Dobber... we need to get our predictions back on board this weekend!!! Let's pick some games you bloody wankers. Yep. I said wankers.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Dobber's Match Day 31 Predictions
In the span of the last 10 minutes, Dobber Jr. blew up a diaper, spit up and pissed on Dobber Sr. Needless to say, I'm short for time in this week's posting. So without further adieu, here are Dobber's predictions for Match Day 31 with absolutely no analysis to support them whatsoever.
Blackburn 1 Tottenham 1 - Toilet Stinker Match of the Week
Arsenal 2 Manchester City 1
Fulham 0 Liverpool 2
Newcastle 0 Chelsea 3
Manchester United 2 Aston Villa 1
Blackburn 1 Tottenham 1 - Toilet Stinker Match of the Week
Arsenal 2 Manchester City 1
Fulham 0 Liverpool 2
Newcastle 0 Chelsea 3
Manchester United 2 Aston Villa 1
MatchDay 31
I have to apologize for the long absence. I don't exactly remember the past two weeks. I am pretty sure Ace dropped me a strong ruffy that has had me on a coke binge. All I do remember is waking up at Ace's house and watching a USA demolition of T and T. A few observations from that most memorable of nights:
1. Jozy is ready for the big time.
2. DMB is the best left winger acting like a LB that the USA has.
3. Timmy has turrets which is absolutely awesome.
4. The USA definitely worked on their back heels during the week.
On to the Predictions:
Blackburn 0-2 Tottenham
You might have Big Sam Blackburn Rovers but the Spurs not only have Harry Houdini but they also hold the EPL's best form over the previous 6 matches. Harry has got the best playing team right now and will run riot over the Rovers this weekend. Keane, Modric, and Pavulechenko will give Blackburn all they can handle. GO SPURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Arsenal 2-2 Manchester City
This was a tough game to call. Arsenal at home and with the most talented team by far on the pitch all signs pointed to a Arsenal route. But upon further review this is one of those classic slip up games for Arsenal. ManCity is a talented team that doesn't always play their best footy but Arsenal seem to overlook these teams, especially when they are at home. Add into that Wenger will probably replace a fit CM for one just coming off an injury and the team chemistry might be hurt. I see an entertaining game with plenty of chances but once again Arsenal will be incapable of finishing off a game ManCity team.
Fulham 1-4 Liverpool
My heart wants a close game with the smaller club, Fulham, coming through with a good result but Liverpool is just to talented and playing way to well at this moment. Gerard and Torres torment the Fulham defense all game and will come away with all three points from the Cottage.
Newcastle 1-2 Chelsea
Newcastle has a new manager but will have the same old results. This team is just not that good. The only thing that will save them from total destruction in that this game is at home and King Shearer has come to try and save the club from relegation.
Manchester United 1-1 Aston Villa
This is my upset special of the week. Manchester United have not played well and a week away from each other will not improve their form. This has a tie written all over it. Of course I could be wrong and ManU wins by 5. Go Villa!!!!!!!!!!
Until next time do not have sex with a man, unless your into that sort of thing, ACE!!!!!!!!!!
1. Jozy is ready for the big time.
2. DMB is the best left winger acting like a LB that the USA has.
3. Timmy has turrets which is absolutely awesome.
4. The USA definitely worked on their back heels during the week.
On to the Predictions:
Blackburn 0-2 Tottenham
You might have Big Sam Blackburn Rovers but the Spurs not only have Harry Houdini but they also hold the EPL's best form over the previous 6 matches. Harry has got the best playing team right now and will run riot over the Rovers this weekend. Keane, Modric, and Pavulechenko will give Blackburn all they can handle. GO SPURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Arsenal 2-2 Manchester City
This was a tough game to call. Arsenal at home and with the most talented team by far on the pitch all signs pointed to a Arsenal route. But upon further review this is one of those classic slip up games for Arsenal. ManCity is a talented team that doesn't always play their best footy but Arsenal seem to overlook these teams, especially when they are at home. Add into that Wenger will probably replace a fit CM for one just coming off an injury and the team chemistry might be hurt. I see an entertaining game with plenty of chances but once again Arsenal will be incapable of finishing off a game ManCity team.
Fulham 1-4 Liverpool
My heart wants a close game with the smaller club, Fulham, coming through with a good result but Liverpool is just to talented and playing way to well at this moment. Gerard and Torres torment the Fulham defense all game and will come away with all three points from the Cottage.
Newcastle 1-2 Chelsea
Newcastle has a new manager but will have the same old results. This team is just not that good. The only thing that will save them from total destruction in that this game is at home and King Shearer has come to try and save the club from relegation.
Manchester United 1-1 Aston Villa
This is my upset special of the week. Manchester United have not played well and a week away from each other will not improve their form. This has a tie written all over it. Of course I could be wrong and ManU wins by 5. Go Villa!!!!!!!!!!
Until next time do not have sex with a man, unless your into that sort of thing, ACE!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, April 3, 2009
BPL Predictions 04/04 - 04-06
Hello sports fans! I know it's been awhile since you've heard from the trio of morons, but we all have good excuses. Dobber had a kid (or so he says). Eugene was too busy buying his signature "Eugene Turk" Nikes online. And yours truly, Ace McGee, has been too busy with his new subscription to Playboy, if you know what I mean. Anyway, this past international break was interesting as the US squeaked out a draw versus El Salvador and then blew out TNT. Then Argentina got smacked down by Bolivia. Oh, and the Mexicans lost to Honduras. After seeing that last result, I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in all my life. F*CK Mexico.
Now on to the predictions!
Blackburn 2 Spurs 0
This game looks interesting. Yeah... it might almost be as exciting as watching shit stink. Spurs cannot handle the type of game that Big Sam wants to play. It will be your stereotypical "knock down, drag out" game, except Spurs won't be fighting back much. Rovers will get their usual set piece goal and who knows, maybe an actual run-of-play goal just for fun. Harry Houdini has just about run of magic tricks for this under-talented team that is also the frontrunner for the Gayest Team in England award.
Arsenal 3 Man City 1
Man City are slop. Arsenal are playing their best soccer of the year. I figure the return of Fabregas to the lineup will start off a bit sluggish, but in the end will be a huge factor as the Gunners keep up their goal-scoring run. Adebayor is supposed to be back up top alongside Van Persie, which I believe is one of, if not the best, strike partnerships in the league. Look for both teams to be on the offensive from start to finish. Having said that, Robinho or Ireland will be dangerous, but Almunia will deny all but one as the Gunners power and finesse their way to victory.
Fulham 1 Liverpool 3
I would love to see Fulham pull another upset in this fixture, but let's be honest... Liverpool are on a mission and will not falter. In fact, it may be worse than my prediction as the Reds run away with this one. The only thing that could possibly be a factor is that I'm sure the international break will affect Liverpool more. I don't know too many Cottagers playing for their country, except Deuce "Don't Tread on Me" Dempsey. To be completely honest, I'm not sure if I know 2 players on the entire Fulham squad. Is that bad considering they are my 2nd favorite BPL team? Ah who gives a rat's ass anyway. Go Fulham! Beat those bloody Reds!
Newcastle 1 Chelsea 2
I guess Shearer is back. I guess too that the question is whether or not he can turn a bunch of shit-kickers into a soccer team. Will his influence be enough to make a difference? Against Chelsea, I highly doubt it. I would recommend watching the first 20-30 minutes as it will be a back-and-forth contest with lots of passion and pace. However, when Chelsea go up 2-0, the game will lose its luster.
Man United 3 Aston Villa 0
I have a bad (ok it's actually really really good) feeling that Villa have gotten so of course that they will easily fall into 6th or 7th before it's all said and done. United are 2-time champs because they eat alive teams that have no confidence. This match will be over early as United dominate possession through physical play, skill, and most importantly, intelligence. Even if Villa are lucky enough to score the first goal, United's resolve is too strong not to equalize and push through. If that does happen (Villa scores first), I think it will be interesting to see if Villa sit back and defend or if they keep going forward. Will O'Neill want to preserve the points? Or will he believe it's more important to give his players that missing confidence by looking for more goals? Hmmm we shall see.
Until next time, get drunk as often as you can. Just don't get so messed up that you shit against a tree, fall forward, puke, and then pass out with your penis in an anthole.
Now on to the predictions!
Blackburn 2 Spurs 0
This game looks interesting. Yeah... it might almost be as exciting as watching shit stink. Spurs cannot handle the type of game that Big Sam wants to play. It will be your stereotypical "knock down, drag out" game, except Spurs won't be fighting back much. Rovers will get their usual set piece goal and who knows, maybe an actual run-of-play goal just for fun. Harry Houdini has just about run of magic tricks for this under-talented team that is also the frontrunner for the Gayest Team in England award.
Arsenal 3 Man City 1
Man City are slop. Arsenal are playing their best soccer of the year. I figure the return of Fabregas to the lineup will start off a bit sluggish, but in the end will be a huge factor as the Gunners keep up their goal-scoring run. Adebayor is supposed to be back up top alongside Van Persie, which I believe is one of, if not the best, strike partnerships in the league. Look for both teams to be on the offensive from start to finish. Having said that, Robinho or Ireland will be dangerous, but Almunia will deny all but one as the Gunners power and finesse their way to victory.
Fulham 1 Liverpool 3
I would love to see Fulham pull another upset in this fixture, but let's be honest... Liverpool are on a mission and will not falter. In fact, it may be worse than my prediction as the Reds run away with this one. The only thing that could possibly be a factor is that I'm sure the international break will affect Liverpool more. I don't know too many Cottagers playing for their country, except Deuce "Don't Tread on Me" Dempsey. To be completely honest, I'm not sure if I know 2 players on the entire Fulham squad. Is that bad considering they are my 2nd favorite BPL team? Ah who gives a rat's ass anyway. Go Fulham! Beat those bloody Reds!
Newcastle 1 Chelsea 2
I guess Shearer is back. I guess too that the question is whether or not he can turn a bunch of shit-kickers into a soccer team. Will his influence be enough to make a difference? Against Chelsea, I highly doubt it. I would recommend watching the first 20-30 minutes as it will be a back-and-forth contest with lots of passion and pace. However, when Chelsea go up 2-0, the game will lose its luster.
Man United 3 Aston Villa 0
I have a bad (ok it's actually really really good) feeling that Villa have gotten so of course that they will easily fall into 6th or 7th before it's all said and done. United are 2-time champs because they eat alive teams that have no confidence. This match will be over early as United dominate possession through physical play, skill, and most importantly, intelligence. Even if Villa are lucky enough to score the first goal, United's resolve is too strong not to equalize and push through. If that does happen (Villa scores first), I think it will be interesting to see if Villa sit back and defend or if they keep going forward. Will O'Neill want to preserve the points? Or will he believe it's more important to give his players that missing confidence by looking for more goals? Hmmm we shall see.
Until next time, get drunk as often as you can. Just don't get so messed up that you shit against a tree, fall forward, puke, and then pass out with your penis in an anthole.
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