Friday, August 13, 2010

EPL Starts Tomorrow

Hello fellow worthless people. Our favorite time of the year is upon us. The start of the Barclay's Premier League!!!!!!!!!!!!!I will be posting my predictions for the upcoming EPL season by the end of today. It really has taken me longer than I thought to predict where Blackpool will be finishing. Good luck and enjoy the season, well everybody but Jake, with that new wife and all!!!!!!!!!

Friday, August 14, 2009

The More Things Change...

The more things change the more things stay the same. With all the departures from the Big 4, and to be honest most of them went to ManCity, I would like to think that someone else will break into the top 4 and wrestle away a Champions League from ManU, Chelsea, Liverpool or the Gunners. But I just can not see that happening. There has to be something said for "been there, done that" for the four mentioned above. Coaching experience, mental toughness, and just the shier experience of being in a title race and the experience of the Champions League breeds confidence when the chips are on the table. With all that being said it wouldn't come as a total surprise to see Aston Villa, Everton or ManCity push Arsenal (in my opinion the weakest of the Big 4) all the way for that fourth spot.

Onto the predictions. Starting with 20-11.

20. Burnley: To be honest I feel a little sorry for these guys. The club comes from a town the size of Terre Haute and will be outclassed by most of the league. The will be relegated by February.
19. Portsmouth: I might have been off by one year on my prediction of their demise but not this year. If Kanu is your front line striker your in trouble. Being regulated might not be a bad thing for this small club to start over and come on back up with a more talented and deeper club.
18. Wigan: Here comes a cross, a cross over from the EPL to the Championship. First year head coach, zero true threats up front and a weak midfield will lead this team by the hand all the way down to the relegation zone.
17. Birmingham City: Wow that was close. This team will survive by maybe a point or goal differential. I am a fan of seeing new blood in the EPL and i believe this team has what it takes to stay up and be a pest for the top ten teams all season long.
16. Hull City: Their coach might be a total D-Bag but this team has something that no one else has. JOZY ALTIDORE!!!!!!!!This young American will be a revelation for the whole EPL. He will provide Hull with the consistent scoring threat that they did not have last year. 8-12 goals for Mr. Altidore will see this team stay up for a second year in a row.
15. Wolves: This years reading. An entertaining team who attack with an organized defense. This team will try and play an attractive style and will have success doing it.
14. Stoke City: Mr Delap and Mr. "I wear a baseball cap to every game" Pulis will have a nice second season in the EPL and be able to be mildly successful with a third season as a reward.
13. Blackburn: Big Sam Allardyce is the king of keeping horrible teams in the EPL. This team actually have a few decent players. McCarthy, Roberts, Diouf to head the line up front and an organized defense with a good keeper, Paul Robinson.
12. Bolton: Gary Megson is a good coach who's only job is to keep this team in the EPL. If that is the one aim then Megson is your guy and this is your team. It is a big, tough, and disciplined team. With those aspects, add in some talent, this team will survive by feasting on the other horrible teams and be safe by a mile.
11. Sunderland: This is actually a pretty good team. It is full with a good mix of youth and experience with a great manager. This team will be an entertaining team with a successful season. Steve Bruce will get every drop of talent and work rate from this team and might even push for a top ten spot.

Some will disagree with these picks but one thing we can all agree on is the top ten in the EPL have so much more talent than these 10 that even though the final position might be different there is no question these are your bottom ten. The top ten tomorrow. Enjoy the season!!!!!!!!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

BPL 2009-2010 Predictions!

The time is near for another exciting season of the Barclay’s Premier League! I’m almost as excited as I was when I picked up a Blarp! Fart Toy the other day. You should pick one up. I'ts hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. Anyway, I will try to keep this as short and concise as possible. Here we go boys and girls! Enjoy!

Predictions 20-11...

20. Birmingham
They couldn’t “handle the truth” as recently as two years ago, and now they think they are ready for more… give me a break. Will they be able to keep up with the big boys when it matters? My thought is a big, fat, NO. They will not be able to withstand the early season blows offered by the strength and pure class of teams above them. They lose early and often on their way to finishing last. Congratulations!!!

19. Portsmouth
Eugene thought for sure that Portsmouth would drop last year. He may have been wrong then, but he is certainly on to something now. They have no talent, no leaders, no backbone, and no reason to remain in the top flight. In fact, like Newcastle, it may do them some good to fall in order to revamp the squad with some young and talented stars before returning. Until then… look out below!!!

18. Wolves
I like them because of their name. That’s about it. They will be the third team I rout for besides my Gunners and Fulham. Seriously, I think this will be last year’s Hull City-type squad that comes out with a really good first half of the season before faltering later in the second half. Note: I have changed this pick as I originally had Wolverhampton in 15th place. Oh well. It's a shame too, because unlike the Tigers of Hull previously mentioned, the Wolves shall plummet into the Championship once again. Better luck next year!

17. Burnley
Here is another team that should be proud of last season’s accomplishments. And what do they get for their efforts? That’s right… a season-long ass-stomping!!! Note: After an early season win versus ManUnited, how can one possibly believe this team will drop? I have pushed them up from 18th to 17th... close to the drop, but barely surviving with a couple more unexpected wins under their belt.

16. Stoke City
I thought for sure the “StRokes” would have dropped last year, but they proved me wrong. Actually, Rory Delap proved us all wrong. I highly doubt they have the same luster as they did last season. It will be interesting to see if the “sophomore slump” will occur with them like it did Reading a couple seasons ago. I think they will be safe from relegation, but if any of the previous three teams surprises, then they could be caught in a mighty large pitfall pickle-o-rama. Uh...

15. Blackburn
The Rovers will either be the winners of or the runners-up of “The Most Boring Team to Watch” award. I would enjoy seeing them struggle even worse and possibly drop, but unfortunately they are too halfway decent for that to happen. Plus, they will fight and pressure teams into mistakes before scoring 90% of their goals on set pieces/crosses the ol' "Big Sam" stlye. That means we will see them again next year! Yay.

14. Bolton
We didn’t hear “A cross in from Bolton!” much last year, and I hope that this year they can begin to develop a better brand of soccer. They have some pretty good players and are led by a good coach. A higher finish is even possible if they can string together a streak of wins before the midway point of the season.

13. Wigan
I joined their bandwagon last year towards the end of the season for the sole reason that they were under the radar all season and still finished in a decent place in the league. They play a semi-attractive style and have good firepower up top. With a weak bottom half of the league (again), that should be exciting for any Wigan fan because a top ten finish is possible.

12. Sunderland
I really planned on placing Sunderland in the bottom three, but I changed my mind when I realized they simply have better players than some of the others below them. They won’t be much fun to watch because they lack discipline and a true manager/leader, but they will be good enough to finish safely. Note: This was another big change to my predictions. I must have been asleep when Steve Bruce took the job with them. Boys and girls, that changes quite a bit. Sunderland also picked up Darren Bent, who I think is a fantastic enhancement to their squad. Bent easily finished with double-figure goals and helps Sunderland to a top 12 placement.

11. Hull City
The arrival of Jozy Altidore boosted the Tigers 10 full spots on my poll!!! Just kidding. In all seriousness, he does make them better, but I think they would have had a good season regardless. After their guns-a-blazing start last year, Hull nearly got shot down before a stroke of luck saved them on the final match day. I believe that they will come back stronger and hungrier to prove that the second half of the season, not the first, was a fluke. Their manager is a quack, but his intensity has to keep the players on their toes. They could very easily be much lower in the rankings, but I have a feeling they will be here. By the way, Jozy nets six goals in his first BPL run. Note: Nothing has changed here. Jozy looked great his first time out and Hull look to be fitter, sharper, and more aggressive than before. Of course, injuries could be the bane of them, but if they stay healthy, I truly believe this team has got it in them to be really good.

10. West Ham
I like what West Ham has to offer in attack. They are a team that likes to push forward. With Zola at the helm, the players must play with a a lot of confidence. I remember a couple years ago when this team was even good with Curbishley, who was a bit of a stroke. Sure, there has been a lot of turnover since then, but the biggest turnover was attitude. Play on playas.

9. Aston Villa
What a disastrous run this team has been on since late March of last year. Their talented youth have not seemed to turn the corner just yet. The loss of Barry was a big blow. It will certainly take some time to settle without their fearless leader and captain. Unfortunately, it will take too long because they will drop fast out of the top 6 and UEFA Cup contention. Tiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmbeeeeeerrrr!!!

8. Fulham
Hodgson is the man. He has done some really nice things with the Cottagers. It's nice to see a team filled with hardworking players (no real big names or stars) come together and push their opponents each week. That subtle nuance has been the difference-maker to their success the past two years...from narrowly staying afloat in the Prem, to finishing with a UEFA Cup birth last year. Like my man K-Will says, "This is for Hodgsy, This is for Hodgsy... thank you Roy for helping us on this Earth, if it weren't for you, our success wouldn't have been birth!"

7. Everton
What a catastrophic way to begin your season. Arsenal absolutely smashed them. The whole Lescott thing didn't help, but now that he's gone, Everton can get back to playing team soccer. They have the quality and coaching to snap back and still have a nice season. I still believe they need more help up top though. Maybe they can splurge and get someone during the winter window. If not, and they can't get back to their defensive ways of the past, they may fall as far as 9th or 10th.

6. Man City
These guys are a potentially very very scary team. I don't think anyone doubts that. While they brought in loads of talent and have a capable manager, the biggest thing now is the belief that they can actually be good. They have been on a roll so far, and a win against Arsenal early on (this weekend at time of post) will certainly let people know they are for real. Adebayor, Tevez, Robinho, Barry, and... oh yeah, Steven Ireland (my favorite of all of those) make for a very difficult opponent. However, lack of solid defense and possible locker room problems could spell DOOM for the Yankees, I mean Citizens. I can only hope.

5. Liverpool
A slow start to the year has given me the indication that the Reds probably missed their chance last year to win the Prem. Gerrard and Torres are obviously class, but I think their midfield isn't as strong as it needs to be, with most of their man guys aging. I wouldn't be surprised to see them in the market big time come January, but it will depend on the owners and money, etc. I hate to say it, but I think Spurs will contend for a CL spot and will beat out Liverpool for the 4th and final place.

4. Tottenham
Can Harry "Houdini" work his magic once again at White Hart Lane? I believe he can, and he will, if he hasn't already. The re-acquisition of Keane, alongside Defoe and the rest of their cast of talented players, this looks to be the year that Spurs finally get back over the hump and finish in the top 4, at Liverpool's expense. Amazingly, just 8 months ago they were fighting to get out of the relegation zone due to some coaching that was ass stanky as a wet diaper, defense as questionable as Eugene's sexual affiliation, and confidence that was as shaky and nervous as a cock-whore in church. What does that equal? That's right... a bad combination my friends. However, all of those things (except their def- Dawson still plays right?) have apparently been corrected. I hate Spurs as much as I hate walking through K-Will's puddles... and that's bad.

3. Manchester United
You're probably thinking: Is it April Fool's Day? You're also probably thinking: Does Ace have shit for brains? Many would argue on the affirmative side for both of those questions, but I'm sorry to inform you that no, it isn't, and no, I don't. Having said that, the Red Devils have been in decent early season form. They beat a really good, talented, and deep Burnley team and totally dominated Arsenal from start to finish. Oh wait, hold on, this just in: Neither of those things happened. Anyway, the loss of Ronaldo may not seem to be such a big deal now, but wait awhile until the team collectively starts having bad games. Without those moments of brilliance by Ronaldo to bail them out of some games, they are going to start dropping a lot of would-be points that they are used to getting. Teams don't have to focus so much on that one player now and should be able to exploit their defense more often too. Yes, they are still the defending champs and should obviously not be overlooked because they still have loads of talent, but they are ABSOLUTELY weaker this year than last, and other teams are stronger... you do the math.

2. Chelsea
I originally had the Blues slated to finish in 1st place. They are ridiculously ruthless and efficient, have the best all-around striker in the league (in Drogba), and have a deep bench, like usual. The only thing that changed my mind is the fact that they are a bit older and therefore more injury-prone and susceptible to fatigue. Yes, they are indeed deep, but their talent certainly wanes once you get to their 14th-15th players. They will still contend until the final day because that's just who they are. However, I believe that they will still fall short to...

1. Arsenal
As a Gooner myself, some may think this is a biased pick, but I have a really hard time believing that Wenger's plan over the past few seasons is all for naught. I don't think that next year is their year... their time is now. Fabregas, RvP, and Arshavin may all be on the move come this time next year if no trophies surface again, but let's honest. The Gunners were nearly unbeatable again last year, only losing their minds in a brace of games late in the year (United, Spurs?). The loss of Adebayor is, in my opinion, easily becomes a plus for them with AA filling the void. It seems as though their def-mid problem has been taken care of with Song and Denilson more than capable. With Walcott back soon, along with a possible return by Rosicky, this team will only get stronger and deeper as the season wears on. Their defense seems shallow, but I think it only "seems" that way, with Kieran Gibbs waiting for his chance, and Eboue as "Mr. Versatile." Diaby and Song can both also play along the backline in defense if necessary. This is the year the Gunners prove that they belong in the top two once and for all. This is the year they bring home at least a brace of trophies.

Stay thirsty my friends.
And piss off... a balcony.


Monday, July 13, 2009

Hey Pinocchio! Where Do You Think You're Goin'?

Dobber- Your post on the Cubbies was very intriguing. However, I believe that the Cubs (Hendry) will ultimately decline on making any major moves as they will "stick to their guns" and blast on with the same cast. With the All-Star break in effect as of now, all Cubs fans can hope and pray that jackasses like Soriano, Fukudome, and Bradley will find their swagger over the next few days. Lou needs to forget players' salaries and make a consistent lineup based on BA and OBP, not whatever it was he was doing before. Anyway, here are a few breakdowns of the BEST, the FORGOT THEY WERE ON THE TEAM, and the WORST of the Cubbies so far this season...

Lee- I've said for the past 3 years that D.Lee needs to be bumped down the lineup into 5th or 6th, but so far this season he's proven me wrong. Now maybe I only feel that way because everyone else has simply under-performed, therefore making Derrek's performance seem better, but realistically, he is hitting for a good average and his power seems to be back. Anyway, he has been solid again at 1st base, like usual, and probably deserves the 1st half MVP honors.

Ramirez- He had a great start to the season before getting injured and being out what seems like forever. I think when Aramis is healthy, he is by far the Cubs' best player, or maybe most important player would be better said. Everyone knows his defensive skills have tripled the last 3-4 years and he is an RBI machine. Hopefully, these few games he played before the break will help him get back full-strength for the 2nd half.

Theriot- No doubt exists in my mind that this guy should be batting lead-off each and every contest. He has speed, determination, some power, patience, and what all of the Cubs' other candidates don't have: both confidence and an edge.

Hoffpauir- This guy just never seems to disappoint me. Hey did anybody see how many homeruns he has? Yep, that's right... more than Bradley. I haven't seen how many fewer at-bats he's had, but I know it has to be a large margin. You may disagree, but I think Micah should be our starting RF until Bradley snaps out of it... big salary or not.

Marshall- I am glad that Marshall is a Cub. He has that "I'll do whatever it takes to play and to win" kinda attitude that everyone has to love. He has had a solid year, whether as a starter or middle reliever.

Zambrano- What a headcase, but hey the guy competes at a high level and his strong emotions help him do that. Yes, sometimes his emotions get the best of him, but he can keep doing it all he wants if he keeps producing.

Lilly- The guy is the Cubs' only All-Star. He's a class act. He's a leader. I wish we had two of him. Enough said.

Wells- What can you say about the guy? He looks good. Only 6 years pitching after a stint in "A" minors as a catcher? You really can't tell. He has been a nice complement to our rotation, although he is still probably expendable if the Cubs latch onto another big arm in a trade.

Harden- Seriously, does the guy still even play for the Cubs? I honestly forgot he was still on the roster.

Soto- What has he done? I can't say it's been good or bad... it's just been nada.

Miles- I had never seen the guy play before I knew I didn't like him in the pre-season. Oh yeah, and is he still on the team? I hope not. I'd rather see Fuld or Baker. Hell I'd rather see Les Lancaster make a comeback and play 2nd base before this clown. Did he go to the Craig Counsell School for Gayest Batting Stances? Terrible.

Dempster- Ryan may very well have the best ERA and have a nice collection of wins and quality starts and stuff, but he's been off the radar as far as I'm concerned. The Cubs' offense has sucked something awful this year and that has a big part to do with his confidence on the mound I'm afraid, but this is a guy that we need to be bigger in the 2nd half.

Soriano- Get your head out of your ass. You're making way too much cashflow to be sucking this bad. Lou's moving of Big Al down the lineup was about 2 years too late, but at least it's done now. I think he would still look good in the 2nd slot if he ever finds his swing back. If not, 6th is probably about right... or the bench.

Bradley- Milton is a waste of space. He should be watching from the bench as Hoffpauir plays in RF. Maybe if he changed his name to Parker Brothers things would be different.

Fontenot- Little Babe just ain't getting it done this year. I thought he came out strong at the very beginning of the season, but then just faded big time. Like Dobber said, this is another guy who needs to turn it around in the 2nd half or he might see himself in a different uniform.

Fukudome- I can't believe the guy is still batting lead-off. What a waste. I have such high hopes that he will one day be good, but the forecast for that is cold and bleak, with lots of hail and shit falling from the sky. Too far?

Gregg- It may be a bit harsh to put Gregg in the "worst" category, but he deserves to go somewhere and it sure as hell isn't in the "best." Maybe I just harbor bad thoughts because the guy seems like a massive tool. He's been a lot better lately which has been nice, but he still scares me like Alfonseca and Beck used to do. I would prefer that the Cubs bring back Mitch "The Wild Thing" Williams as closer. Maybe Tom "Flash" Gordon? Any other ex-Cubs closers with stupid nicknames?

In continuation of my last comment, I am officially starting a contest for best nickname for Kevin Gregg... I will start off the bidding with Kevin "No Personality" Gregg. Lame? Maybe. True? Definitely.

Adios amigos.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Dobber's Cubs Trade Wish List

As the midseason vastly approaches, any Cubs fan must come to the realization that in its current form, this Cubs team is nothing more than mediocre. The Cubs do have a boat load of talented players, who statistics say should rebound for strong (or even massive) second half seasons. Nevertheless, this current Cubs teams has some holes to fill if they indeed intend to return to the postseason again this year.

I would love to throw out wild scenarios where the Cubs could dump some underachieving veterans in the outfield, but looking at the contracts still owed (figures include entire 2009 season salaries) Soriano (6 yrs @ $100M), Fukudome (3 yr @ $36M) and Bradley (3 yr @ $30M), this just isn't a reality.

Here's where the Dobber thinks the Cubbies need to improve, which players could fit the bill, and what current Cubs could be expendable.


Needed: The Cubs could stand to add another lefty into the bullpen to complement Sean Marshall, but in reality, any reliable RP would be a big addition to the Cubs current pen.

The Target: Houston Street (CL, COL - 1 yr @ $4.5M)

The Likelihood: Street is a very attractive bullpen arm who has a contract that could match up to the Cubs, providing the Cubbies could offer a package of young arms that Colorado would find attractive. The big hurdle in any Street deal though is the Rockies position to make the post seasn. Due to playing in the same division as the Dodgers, the Rockies are currently 8.5 out in the NL West. However, the Rockies are only 1 game out in the Wild Card. Unless the Rockies take a tumble in July, the likelihood of Colorado dealing their closer is slim at best.

The Target: John Grabow (RP, PIT - 1 yr @ $2.3M)

The Likelihood: Grawbow's name has been popping up all over trade rumors for weeks now. And why not? The Pirates stink and seem to be in one of the biggest fire-sale modes in recent memory. Grabow has big league experience and the biggest draw to the Cubs is that he doesn't walk many batters. Hendry should take notice of Grabow, as he could likely be had for a prospect in the Cubs farm system. Not that the Cubs have a ton of prospects that other teams salivate for, but certainly they have an arm (Hart, Patton, Ascanio) that could interest the Pirates.

The Target: George Sherill (RP, BAL - 1 yr @ $2.5M)

The Likelihood: Sherill has netted 48 saves over the past two seasons and would be a great acuqisition for the Cubs. Although would the Cubs be able to pry Sherill from the Orioles? Jim Hendry has shown a propensity of dealing with the Orioles in the past. However, in order to land Sherill, Hendry would likely have to depart with a young arm the Orioles such as Samardjzia, Marshall or Guzman. Would the Cubs be willing to part with one of these promising arms at a chance for another shot at the postseason? The Dobber doesn't think so.

The Target: Chad Qualls (RP, ARI - 1 yr @ $2.5M)

The Likelihood: Qualls is intriguing because he has been both healthy and consistent over his career. Plus he plays for the D-Backs, who should consider all trades that come their way. I think Qualls could be a nice acquisition and someone the Cubs might be able to pry away for a couple of prospects. Keep a read on this one, as a Qualls trade just seems to have Hendry written all over it.

The Verdict: Street and Sherill are long shots, but Qualls, Grabow, or a comparable pitcher are defintely likely. The bullpen is cause for concern and look for Hendry to address this before July 31st.

Middle Infield

Needed: A middle infielder who can hit above the Mendoza line. Preferrably a higher OBP guy who could give Lou "another leadoff option" and move Soriano down in the lineup where he so frankly deserves. Hendry would likely prefer a 2B, but a SS that would move Theriot to 2B isn't out of the question.

The Target: Freddy Sanchez (2B, PIT - 2 yrs @ $12.6M)

The Likelihood: While the likelihood doesn't appear high, the Pirates are selling starts off left and right. Plus, Hendry has been known to work deadline deals with the Pirates in the past, so why not? But with Sanchez's contract and the word that the Cubs inability to add payroll, Sanchez in a Cubs uniform is likely nothing more than a pipe dream.

The Target: Felipe Lopez (2B, ARI - 1 yr@ $3.5M)

The Likelihood: The D-Backs are going no where this year and should hit fire-sale mode sometime soon. With Lopez's impending free agent status, it would be in the D-Backs best interest to get something for him while they can. Providing Lopez keeps up his strong start this year, Lopez could be a steal for the Cubs.

The Target: Julio Lugo (SS, BOS - 2 yr @ $18M)

The Likelihood: The Lugo contract has been widely ridiculed the last two years and Lugo has not performed up to the $9M a year deal he signed prior to the 2007 campaign. Lugo is having a nice bounce back year, but in order for a Lugo deal to work out, Boston would likely have to take Miles, his bad contract and eat some of Lugo's salary too. With Lugo actually hitting the ball and getting on base this season, while Miles can't hit or stay healthy, this is nothing more than an idea with no chance of becoming a reality.

The Target: Cristian Guzman (SS, WAS - 1 yr @ $8M)

The Likelihood: Guzman is having a very productive and healthy season for the Nats, but the fact of the matter is the Nats stink. They should be looking to ditch payroll and get young players they can control over the next few years. While the Cubs may have a few players that fit that bill, the bigger problem is that they likely can't add the payroll this season. Even if the Cubs could get the Nats to take Miles, they still would have to add about $5.5M in salary this season, and that doesn't seem likely.

The Verdict: Unless the Cubs are allowed to add payroll, the choices of impact middle infielders seem limited to either Lopez or hope a combination of Miles/Fontenot can rebound for a strong second half.

Cubs Tradeable Commodities:

Mike Fontenot - Fontenot is under team control at the league minimum for two more seasons, so he could be a guy other teams take a look at. Mike hasn't played particularly well this season, but a change of scenary state of mind might make other teams take a look.

Aaron Miles - Signing Miles to a 2 yr @ $4.9M contract seems to be one of Hendry's big offseason mistakes. Although for for every reason the Cubs would want to deal Miles is the exact reason other teams don't want him.

Micah Hoffpauir - Hoffpauir is likely only intriguing to AL teams, but could help fetch a much needed middle INF or bullpen arm that the Cubs need. Hoffpauir could raise interest to any NL teams who could use a 1B, but that list likely only contains the D-Backs and Giants.

Jake Fox - As with Hoffpauir, Fox is likely best suited for the AL. His recent work at 3B could make it attractive to other NL teams, but Fox will likely gain the most interest from AL teams looking for a DH or impact bat off the bench.

Sam Fuld - Fuld's first two games since being called up on July 1 could make him attractive trade bait to teams looking for good yound talent. While Fuld looks like he can play, unless he learns to play 2B, he's stuck in the Cubs organizational depth chart. It would be nice to keep good young talent, but for a team that's built to win now, the Cubs are better off getting an MLB ready player in a position they need help in rather than holding onto a player who likely won't get everyday playing time for at least a few more years.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Dobber's Match Day 34 Predictions

Talk about horrible matchups in the Prem this week. Rather than giving on of our chosen matches the "Toilet Stinker Match of the Week" award this week, I'm mixing things up and giving the whole damn lot the title. That's right, this weekend's fixtures look so unappealing, I'm labeling Match Day 34 as "Toilet Stinker Match Day of the Year." I honestly don't see a single match that will be exciting. Hopefully I'm proved wrong and we see some great footy. But after the mid-week classic at Anfield on Tuesday, this weekend looks like the fat chick you notice sleeping in your bed the morning after a Jim Beam bender.

Bolton 1 Aston Villa 1
A pivotal match for Villa, as they attempt to fight off Everton for the right to represent the Prem League in the UEFA cup. Problem for Villa is they are playing like pure butt. I mean, they haven't even scored 3 pts since Feb. 7th for Christ's sake. I hope they've enjoyed their run in the top 4 & 5 of the table this season, because after this weekend, the ride is over.

Everton 2. Manchester City 0
After a thrilling PK victory against ManU, Everton is the little engine that could in the soccer world right now. And I can say short of Everton squaring off against Arsenal, nothing made the Dobber happier than watching our U.S. boy Howard thwart off ManU to earn his club a shot at a cup. Everton is riding high and they will continue to do so at home, all the way up to the 5th spot in the league table after this week's fixture with Man City.

Manchester United 3 Tottenham 0
I'm deeming this fixture the "Toilet Stinker Match of the Week" not because the two teams are terrible (okay, well one is), but because this match is so lopsided, it won't be fun to watch. ManU will be pissed from their FA Cup semifinal defeat and Tottenham, well, Tottenham just plan right blows.

Arsenal 2 Middlesbrough 0
Arsenal had two heartbreaking outcomes this past week, losing in the FA Cup semifinal to Chelsea and settling for a draw at Anfield on Tuesday. Both fixtures were winnable, and both should have been won. The problem....the ineptitude of Arsenal's back line to stop and attack when so desparately needed. Let's see, a terrible play by Fabianski that just gives Drogba the winning goal, followed up by porous play by the backline in the final minutes at Anfield to give away 2 pts. I mean, how to do you give up an equaliser in extra time when you just scored the go ahead in extra time? Luckily for Arsenal, Boro does not have the attack of Chelsea or Liverpool.

Hull City 1 Liverpool 3
Liverpool was lucky to gain a point on Tuesday, grasping a victory from the jaws of defeat. This weekend they won't have the same problem against Hull City. Torres goes off for a hat trick and Liverpool maintain pace with ManU in the chase for the title.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

BPL Predictions 04/25 - 04/27

"Howdy y'all!!!"

"Go on, git!!!"

"I done seen you yesterday."


I gave a vocabulary test last week to my freshmen classes, and check this out. The words consisted of the following:
  1. comprehend
  2. repetition
  3. exempt
  4. vain
  5. commend
  6. maim
  7. toil
  8. final
  9. blunder
  10. mourn
  11. daze
  12. subside

Aside from one class that had a class average of 85%, I had another with a 63% average, and two others with 75% and 71%. Are you freaking kidding me? It has a matching section, a fill in the blank section, and a section on matching terms to real-life examples, etc. I actually design the test so that there will be lots and lots of perfect scores. In fact, I give bonus points to any student who earns a perfect score. I offer extra incentive for perfection. The rich keep getting richer. It doesn't matter though for they are too f****************************** stupid.

So anyways, it looks like it will be an interesting weekend in the Prem..............not.

Bolton 1 Aston Villa 1

This is sure to be an extremely unexciting match. Bolton are a side that usually play well at home, and the Villains have been shit for the past two months, so I guess you never know though. Most likely we will all be witnesses to a sluggish midfield match that fails to compare even to watching The Simpsons remain relevant. Hopefully instead we'll all be stunned and "shocked" at a whirlwind of fantastic footwork, teamwork, and shoddy goalkeeping so we can see lots of goals. My prediction? We see lots of circle jerk instead. Did I mention I'm still laughing at the divine rise and traumatic fall of Villa!!!!!! Did I also mention anyone who roots for Bolton is a total stroke wand?

Everton 3 Man City 1

Everton have been playing some very high quality soccer lately. Their draw versus United last weekend may have been somewhat of a farce considering it was the A-team against United's B-team, but... in light of that, Everton is no United either way so it was still a nice win, especially for Timmy-Ho who came up big in PKs. F***************** United. Moving on, ManCity were good for what? 2-3 weeks at the beginning of the season. Wow did the wheels ever fall off or what. They might get a goal, but it is a certainty they let in more than they score. This is still going to be a borefest.

Man United 3 Spurs 0

Who honestly thinks that Spurs can come into Old Trafford and score a point, let alone score a goal? Show me this man who believes, and I will show you a man with a tiny wang and no sense of reality... Ladies and Gentlemen... Eugene Turk!!!!! Sorry Eug, I couldn't resist the opportunity. The next low-blow goes to Dobby "Dobber" McDobbymeister-ton. The Red Devils defense lately has been maybe at its weakest since Christmas maybe, but it is still top notch. The fact that Spurs could possibly still fight for UEFA Cup (or Europa League... is that its new gay name?) does not matter because the truth of the matter is that they still suck. United could basically close out the Prem with their next two wins... maybe not mathematically, but c'mon it's over already isn't it? I hate United, but only for this reason: When they smell blood, they kill everything off. This is no different. Bye bye Spurs.

Arsenal 2 Boro 1

The Boro-ites, or whatever the hell is their nickname, always seem to be a tough match for the Gunners to overcome no matter how much more talented they may be. Southgate's teeth are certain to make an appearance at some point, and Gooners can only hope it is in the form of a painful grimace as they get their asses stomped left and right. However, it could be as he sinks those gnarled mashers into the throat of Wenger as they celebrate victory... or in Boro's case even a draw would be fantastic. All-in-all, the important thing here is that everyone felt a twinge of strangeness from the overly grotesque descriptions of Gareth's teeth.

Hull City 0 Liverpool 3

I have been reading about Hull City's managerial collapse, and all I can do is laugh. What a joke that is. Liverpool make this an easy road trip as they thoroughly dominate literally the entire match. Hull need something to keep their hopes of staying afloat at the top level, but the Reds are too tough even with dreams of still winning the Prem fading by the moment.

Adios amigos. Until next time, don't pee on the electric fence.